One of the worst fears of the human being is loneliness, is to be rejected and the truth is that it makes sense: feeling rejected by our loved ones, friends or even unknown people is our worst punishment. We are social beings and we need interaction to survive.
Fear of social rejection is the irrational belief that others will not accept us as we are, think, feel, or act. This belief creates an irrational fear of not being accepted, that is, it provokes the fear of being rejected by others. This is the need to receive social approval from others (they are people who like and need to fit in among others).
Almost always the fear of rejection arises, when the person perceives that he could lose the approval of someone significant. When we think that someone important to us will not validate our behaviors, feelings or ideas, we fear losing their recognition and that the relationship will be irreversibly damaged.
When the need for social acceptance is oversized, there is a deep fear of social rejection that in some cases can become a phobia (the one known as social phobia, estimated between 3 and 13% of the world's population).
This fear arises from our fear of rejection, not to be accepted socially. We try to avoid painful experiences, so we hide rather than take risks. We even come to suppress our true feelings and abandon others, before allowing them to have a chance to reject us.
We all need to be accepted because through interpersonal relationships we build our identity. This process of giving and receiving affection is healthy and reinforces our self-esteem. Therefore, social rejection is lived in a particularly intense way and provokes strong emotional reactions that can range from anger to hopelessness.
Because of this fear, we do not realize how many people around us accept us as we are, but only see those who do not.
People afraid of social rejection depend on the approval of others and often self-cense to like each other, inhibiting creativity, productivity and imagination. They are trapped in the need to accept others and cause them to lose their own identity in the process. Chances are they mimic the way others act, dress, think, think and function, thus losing their identity.
Seeking constant approval from others can be counterproductive. If you are one of those who seeks to be approved, smile and say yes to everyone, just to please, you will end up no longer being yourself and you will depend on others to be happy or perform as a person.
This fear changes the behavior of those who suffer from it and leads them to exercise great caution in their behavior and interactions with others. It generates a state of mind that makes you unable to say or do things for fear of the disapproval of others. The fear of rejection is the impossibility of accepting oneself, of courage, of feeling confident.
Fear of rejection is a fear that anyone can experience; we are all afraid of rejection and it has affected us in some way throughout our lives. However, when that fear is intense, so much so that it is a drag on your life, it is the moment when you must begin to face it, being the moment when you must no longer stop doing things, because of the fear to which they will say or what they will think of you.
Fear of social rejection occurs when you feel evaluated or judged by others. It can arise in different situations, for example, by declaring our love to the loved one, by trying to sell a product to someone, or simply by asking the stranger for a favor.
This fear provokes two types of response:
May the person sacrifice his needs and desires in order to be accepted
Avoid exposure to situations where you feel you can be evaluated
This fear of rejection relates to the need for approval,which is the tendency to want the acceptance of others to feel good psychologically, make decisions and generally be happy (someone who constantly wonders if others will like it or if their decisions please others, would have a high degree of this personal trait).
In turn, the pathological need for approval is related to emotional dependence. We are social beings and we build ourselves on relationships with others, so it is logical that the assessments of others affect our perception of ourselves.
When we seek approval from everyone, several things happen, namely:
We may not always be honest (therefore, we are being dishonest)
We can behave passively-aggressively
We'll feel bad about ourselves
Our problems are not solved because we avoid discussions
We'll do things we don't want because we can't say "no.
They can abuse us and we don't stand up for our rights
We'll be putting obstacles on ourselves
We put the needs of others before ours
The moment we become a person dependent on the opinion of others, it is as if we are handing over the reins of our lives to others. This implies that when someone approves of us we feel euphoric, but when they disapprove our lives fall apart, we fall off the cliff because we have put in the hands of others our emotional worth.
The need for approval is something that is being built day after day, it is not something that is implemented overnight.
Symptoms of fear of being rejected
Do not express opinion or interests, especially if they differ from that of others.
Show a lot of anxiety about other people's opinion.
Lack of skills to abandon insur pleasurable situations.
Feeling uncomfortable in the face of a situation but not recognizing it (passive-aggressive), so that such dissatisfaction, anger or frustration will be shown in private, but never before others.
They are people who offer the face that they consider that everyone wants to see, so they are never authentic.
Having difficulty being able to express who they are and understand and understand their own needs, what they like and don't like.
Difficulty showing the same as they are, which causes them to show unnatural behaviors or simply appear absent, with difficulty contributing something to the situation lived.
Generate many obsessive thoughts about how they should act or behave before others, so that they may be cavilling about it for a long time.
Always keep an eye on the approval or recognition of others to make them feel good about themselves.
Allowing others to have greater power over decisions, even when it's up to them alone, asking and figuring out in this way how they would ultimately "copy" their actions.
Signs that we depend on the need for approval:
Not being assertive, that is, being passive
Change your mind to please others and go unnoticed
Feeling bad when someone tells us something is wrong
Show us too kind when we disagree with other people's opinions
Don't say no
Change your mind to be kind and try to like others
Feeling sad or distressed when others don't approve of our ideas or behaviors
Causes of fear of social rejection and need for approval
Its origin can be explained in two ways:
Innate or evolutionary: this explanation states that human beings have developed an inner need to be accepted and to fit into a group, because in the past being rejected (from the family or tribe) could mean death (going to seek food, only by the jungle, was quite dangerous).
Acquired or learned: It is a psychological explanation that is much more complex and is based on all those experiences that have left their mark on your character and personality throughout your life (for example, being cruelly rejected by the first person you asked to leave). It is for this reason that the panic reaction to rejection can be understood as a negative conditioning (in order to avoid a negative stimulus such as a bad face, a negative or contempt, we avoid repeating situations in which we have been rejected in the past).
Fear of rejection is also based on our self-concept (how we see ourselves) and our self-esteem (as we feel about ourselves). We all like to feel good about ourselves; if we are rejected, reality clashes with our self-concept ("how can I feel good about myself if people don't like me?"; that generates cognitive dissonance, that is, a mental conflict and affects self-esteem, undermines pride and you think you're not as good as you think you are; to avoid that conflict, you don't expose yourself socially).
In many cases this fear feels its roots in childhood,especially in traumatic experiences that have involved a rejection. Some of the most common psychological causes are:
It is likely that as a child, the person has not received sufficient approval from his parents, who may have been too demanding or did not easily show his feelings, making the little one feel insecure.
Many parents tend to overprotect children, especially if they are prone to shyness, which feeds back fear of social relationships and does not offer the opportunity to apply social skills in interaction with others. In this sense, it may happen that the child receives the message, explicitly or implicitly, that safety is in the family and what is outside is dangerous.
In other cases, the problem may have arisen as a result of bullying, either because of taunts from his schoolmates or because they excluded him from the group.
Unless we have bomb-proof self-esteem, we are likely to attach great importance to others' opinion of ourselves. But if our consideration of ourselves depends essentially on the acceptance of the rest of the people, we have work to do, because we will never please everyone. We must understand that in the end, the only person we should like and please is ourselves.
On the other hand, a mother who constantly tells her child that she is useless, that she is incapable and that she will achieve nothing in life will probably result in an adult with low self-esteem and a distorted perception of himself, an adult who may need the approval of others to validate his self.
Our self-image is formed from the feedback we receive from others, so it is normal that in certain circumstances we need some social approval, it makes us feel safer, it reaffirms that we are going in the right direction. We all love being applauded and given words of flattery, it makes us feel good. However, when we subject our decisions and behaviors to the opinion of others, then we have a problem.
The second form is much more important than the first, since in any case, it is the only one on which there is a margin of manoeuvre (possibility of being modified).
Rejection also has physical consequences
Rejection hurts. According to a study by the University of Michigan, when we suffer a social rejection, we release the same substances that are released when we take a hit. The analgesic system is activated during a rejection, as if it were reacting to physical aggression.
It is possible, according to the study, to conclude that people who are more sensitive to rejections may have some problem in the production of such analgesic substances, so it would be more costing them to recover from a negative social experience.
From this study, two things are demonstrated:
It's normal for rejection to affect us. What is not natural is the opposite, because our body is prepared to respond to it.
There are people who could genetically be more sensitive to rejection. No more emotional support they receive, they may never be able to eliminate it at all.
Theexperience of rejection can also lead to emotions so intense that our body records them as if it were a physical pain. Simply imagining that we can be rejected can range from shortness of breath to a feeling of stabbing pain and increased blood pressure.
When this situation is maintained for a long period of time, the person may begin to develop psychosomatic disorders.
Other consequences of fear of rejection
In the long run, the experience of rejection causes damage to self-image, self-confidence and can lead to depression, a sense of defeat and deep emotional insecurity.
The person who is afraid of rejection may behave submissively or unsertively or, on the contrary, have explosions of anger, as a result of "swallowing" what he thought and not having placed limits on others at the time.
In fact, research has shown that perceiving that we could be rejected makes us behave more aggressively and selfishly, which would be a kind of defense mechanism that helps us prevent future rejections, but actually takes us away from others.
Among the main consequences of experiencing this exaggerated and irrational fear of rejection are the following:
Losing the opportunity to establish stable relationships: people afraid of rejection, lose many opportunities to meet more people and establish with them closer bonds of friendship and/ or love. They stop experiencing sharing great moments with people who can become very important to them, to have at their side people who can support them at all times when they are in difficult situations, moments of enjoyment and even of getting to start a family. All these life experiences enrich and strengthen the self-esteem of each of us, so if we stop having them we will be living a life with little meaning.
Anxiety problems: Being on the side of other people's reactions all the time, feeling judged by others and not valued, can cause us to start having anxiety problems. An anxious person does not live quietly, is distressed by what may or may not pass, thinking all the time about the situations in which he has conflicts, they may even have annoying physical symptoms related to the excess tension they feel.
Depression: It is common for a person afraid of excessive rejection to develop a depressive disorder at somepoint. It is not easy for anyone to feel rejected and ignored, but people who live with that fear all the time, come to distort reality so much that they fail to identify even when they are being well accepted. Depression alone also causes the person who suffers from depression to generate all the time negative thoughts about himself and her relationship with others. This causes the person to be enrified in an extremely negative vicious circle and can become very destructive to them and their emotional well-being.
Not to achieve the vital objectives: the fear of rejection is totallylimiting, since it not only prevents us from relating to others, but also to achieve our personal goals and objectives because by the same fear, we stop daring to do things that are necessary to achieve them. For example, a person who aims to have a family, if he feels that everyone rejects him, is going to be difficult for him to get to have a stable partner or a person whose goal is to want to rise from place in his company, if he feels all the time this kind of fear, surely he will not dare expose himself to his superiors to be evaluated and that he can be promoted.
Is this fear helpful?
Being afraid of rejection is not bad in itself. Fears have a function. They're a human instinct designed to keep you awake and safe. However, too much fear can stop us from getting what fear is preparing us for.
Sometimes we are too afraid, because we confuse real fears with imaginaries and interpret mental creations as physical threats. So we respond as if they were vital risks by implementing survival mechanisms. In these cases, the mind confuses fictional fears with real and informed fears.
The body uses fear to give us the energy necessary to prevent failures, for example when we get a new job, a date, the birth of a child or the creation of our first company (that is why these events are accompanied by fear, in the face of the possibility of failure). With fear, our body gives us the fuel to take action, flee or paralyze (the decision is ours). The reality is that we cannot decide whether we are afraid or not, but whether we can decide how we use the energy that this fear provides us: whether to be paralyzed, to flee or overcome that situation.
Fear of failure and rejection is what gives people the motivation to prevent them. You have to use them wisely.
The negative side of social acceptance
People who suffer intensely from fear of rejection constantly need social acceptance and validation, but unconsciously, they look for signs that others don't like them. In his head, they keep wondering what people are thinking about them.
That constant search for acceptance is a mistake and becomes a vicious circle. Acceptance can only come from within us, not from others, because any word, look or gesture of someone can always be misunderstood as a rejection, when it really isn't. We'll never be able to be entirely sure.
Excessive fear of rejection can create a pattern of dangerous behavior on our visa. You can get us to felt that we're not good enough, that we're a failure. In our romantic relationships we can become obsessive, compulsive and jealous, destroying relationships that have only just begun, getting defensive from the beginning.
It's not all up to you.
People have moods and motivations that mean that in most cases, the outcome is not going to be up to you: whether they reject you or not, most of the time it won't be up to you, but to the circumstances of the other person you want to like. People don't make the decisions solely for you, overlooking all the other circumstances of their lives. You're the one who makes it personal.
People with great fear of rejection are only looking for signs that confirm their fears. They believe that reason depends only on them and they blame themselves for all mistakes.
Why don't people turn us down?
When someone we don't know rejects us, who he really rejects is not us; maybe he's rejecting the situation we've told him or that person's idea of what it means to tell him that. The problem is that we believe that we are rejected not only because of what we are doing at the time, but above all that we are.
What happens when we're rejected by an acquaintance?
In the case of rejection in relationships already established as sentimental ones, what we must understand is that rejection is a necessary medicine: it helps us to rule out relationships and opportunities that would not work so that we can find others that will. It doesn't mean we're not good enough, but someone hasn't realized what we can offer. It's time to learn how to give what we can offer or what to do to make others aware that we're giving it.
How to overcome the fear of rejection?
The biggest mistake that can be made when trying to overcome their crippling fears is to avoid the situations that precisely provoke them. This does not solve the problem but becomes worse because fear grows as that person tries to avoid them (as is the case with all irrational fears).
An example of this is the case of someone who fears the dark, where their panic increases as long as they avoid facing it. But as you are exposed to your fears, you will discover that they were actually based on false beliefs and will begin to diminish.
To overcome the fear of rejection, the first step is to realize that we suffer from that fear. It is important to recognize that this fear of rejection is there, it exists. That's the first step in starting to take action so you can cope and overcome it. Only by being aware that we have that problem will we be able to start solving it.
Seeking safety in other people is often a dead end. What really needs to be found is security within ourselves and not in others. Because if not, any look, word or action of other people can be misdeformed and misinterpreted as something very close to rejection, when maybe it is not.
We must bear in mind that if we give too much power to the opinion of others, we will become their prisoners. So let's never let someone's opinion alter our reality. Let's never sacrifice who we are or who we want to be, because someone might have a problem with that. Let's love who we are on the outside and inside and keep fighting. No one can make us feel bad unless we give him that power ourselves.
Being unique is invaluable. In this world where everyone looks like everybody else, what people most end up wanting is to be different. Find and find the courage to remain yourself and when they laugh at you for being different, laugh at them for being equal. Don't change to like people or you'll find people you'll only like for what you pretend to be. Be yourself because when you like someone, they'll like you for being who you really are.
Once we have understood that it is normal to be afraid of rejection and that it is normal for us to be rejected, let's see how to make the fear disappear:
Keep in mind that fear never goes away: Fears don't magically disappear. The mistake people make when they see a person who doesn't seem to be afraid of rejection is believing that he's not afraid, when the reality is that he has it anyway but acts in spite of it. Never expect fear to disappear to act because it will not; what can happen is that as we face social situations, it will gradually decrease. It's acting like fear disappears.
Unlearn what we have learned: if the bad news is that we cannot help but be afraid to be rejected, the good news is that we can change how we react to that fear. Our behavior in the face of fear is something we have learned based on doing the same for many years of our lives. If our reaction paralyzes us and prevents us from meeting people, then it's time we learned to react differently. You need to develop new, more constructive habits when it comes to what we think of people and ourselves. As we incorporate these habits, our negative reaction to fear will disappear. The most confident people realize that rejection is simply part of life and that we must all take risks at some point and leave our comfort zone, but above all, they do not take rejection personally and see it rather as a mistake of others to realize how they really are. That's the way to react to the rejection you've learned.
To be progressively exposed: if we fear social rejection, the most normal thing is that we are trying to avoid such situations. However, to overcome fear, it is crucial that we do the opposite and that we impose ourselves. For this to work it must be progressive. You have to start with situations that cause little anxiety and as we get used to it, the level rises.
To be aware of what we think: in addition to gradually exposing ourselves, it is important that we detect when the thoughts that cause us the fear of rejection begin to appear. Let's rationalize the consequences you're imagining. What real risk is there in talking to a group of people? Let us remember that you should not confuse imaginary fears with real fears.
Avoid self-fulfilling prophecy: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a mistaken belief about a situation, which causes the person who has it to act in a way that ends up being fulfilled. If you think a group of people are going to turn us down, we'll probably get nervous and defensive. This behavior is precisely the one that will cause us to be rejected, so then we will justify our belief"I knew you weren't going to like it!" So be careful what we think and avoid constantly looking for signs of rejection. Let's start looking for signs that we're accepted.
Use informed positive statements: when we meet someone new, if we expect to like them (for whatever reason), we will tend to like them more. And vice versa. A Canadian study showed that using positive statements based on real events such as "my friends believe I am an important piece in their lives" provided more confidence for people in tying up a social relationship, which in turn translated into the fact that they liked them better.
Analyzing what has happened: if we are rejected, is it normal for us to be hurt? No doubt. There is no one who does not feel uncomfortable at the time he is rejected. But the key is that after, instead of letting emotions dominate our behavior, we ask each other the following questions: What did I do wrong? Why didn't you like me? How would you have liked it the most? Would it have been worth if I had tried to like him better?
Ask why: who has been rejected (whether it's a customer you didn't want to buy, a friend or the person we like) let's politely ask if you can explain the reason for the rejection. But let's not try to please him again. If you agree to explain why, let's listen very carefully. We will find that sometimes the reason we have been rejected has nothing to do with us.
Additional tips for overcoming fear of rejection include:
Do not pretend to please everyone: some people fall into the trap of wanting to please everyone else, which is impossible, since there will always be people with whom we work more and with whom we understand in a lesser proportion. Being aware of this and seeing it as normal is key so that we stop worrying so much about liking each other. It is important that we take this seriously because if we do not and continue to seek the approval of the other, all it will do is further deteriorate our self-esteem and increase our fear of rejection.
Be yourself: an authentic person is one who shows himself as he is before others, regardless of whether they like him or her or not and will act according to their personal values. When we are afraid of rejection, we tend to act in different ways trying to conform to what others want us to be, which ironically backfires because in the end we end up noticing that we are not being authentic. We must not worry about what others are or want us to be, we simply have to be oneself and the right people will always be by our side.
Stop hypothesizing about what others think: stop creating hypotheses about what others think of you, because you're probably not getting it right and your own fear of being rejected generates that you perceive a different reality than it is. Being creating hypotheses and thinking that you don't like someone else so much is just going to make you suffer unnecessarily. Remember that it is impossible to guess what others think and even if you did not like that person it would not have something wrong either, after all you don't like everyone you know either.
Modify your thoughts: it is necessary to modify those negative thoughts that do not allow us to move forward and that only generate anxiety and worry. Try to perceive the different situations more positively and more objectively. So every time you have negative thoughts related to your fear of rejection, identify that you're having them and modify them consciously, by more constructive ones that allow you to improve as a person.
How to overcome the pathological need for approval?
To understand that we cannot please everyone: each person is unique, has his tastes and preferences so we will not always be able to find enough points of convergence, we cannot always like him and, above all, we must not even have that expectation.
Be aware that you are as important as others: your opinion is worth it because, at the end of the day, who knows you better than you? People can give you criticism or advice, but you're the one making the decisions.
Understanding that rejection of an idea or behavior is not a rejection of your person: normally those who need constant approval confuse their behaviors with their "I", that is, the fact that you made a mistake doing something does not mean that you are a clumsy or unins intelligent person simply means that you have made a mistake.
Change paradigm (way of seeing your world): Now you think that to be happy and to be accepted you have to please and be approved by others. You think that being "the typical good one" you will avoid problems and have a simple life without bitterness. You have the typical behaviors of the "good boy or girl". However, that only leads to discomfort and unhappiness. To change that trend, you'll need to look at the world in a different way where:
Your happiness depends on you, not whether others approve of you or not
You need to meet your needs to be happy
To be happy you have to defend your rights
Start putting your needs first: to understand your needs is not to be selfish (to be selfish is to have all your own needs covered and still not be willing to contribute or help others or not to collaborate with others and always want others to contribute to you). It is natural in the human being to want to cover personal needs, because otherwise you are going against your own survival. If you don't, you'll feel bad, blame others, or show passive-aggressive behavior.
Start accepting yourself as you are: to feel good you need to accept yourself. What's more, to have a good relationship with others you have to accept. accepting you doesn't mean you don't want to change or improve. It's about accepting yourself, even if you're willing to improve what you want.
Stop seeking approval:if you've changed your world view, put your needs first and accept yourself, you're more likely to no longer seek so much approval. Pay attention the next time you relate to someone. Are you looking for that person to approve you? Looking to like the other person at all costs? Beware of unconscious approval-seeking behaviors, they are very common.
Set limits: nor try to merge with others, whether it's your partner, family or friends. If you disagree with someone else, it's normal and you can show that disagreement - assertively - because they are different. To be happy you need to have your goals and your individual life, so that if others aren't that part of your life, stay there.
References
Delgado, J. (Sin fecha). La necesidad de aprobación: de dónde nace y cómo eliminarla. Consultado el 8 de agosto de 2020 de la página https://rinconpsicologia.com/la-necesidad-de-aprobacion-de-donde/ Forner, P. (Sin fecha). Miedo al rechazo: ¿Tu peor enemigo o mejor aliado?. Consultado el 8 de agosto de 2020 de la página https://habilidadsocial.com/miedo-al-rechazo/ Glover, M. (2018). Cómo superar el miedo al rechazo. Consultado el 8 de agosto de 2020 de la página https://www.psicologia-online.com/como-superar-el-miedo-al-rechazo-3587.html Rubín, A. (Sin fecha). ¿Qué es la necesidad de aprobación? ¿Cómo desecharla?. Consultado el 8 de agosto de 2020 de la página https://www.lifeder.com/necesidad-de-aprobacion/#:~:text=La%20necesidad%20de%20aprobaci%C3%B3n%20es,y%20en%20general%20ser%20feliz.&text=La%20necesidad%20de%20aprobaci%C3%B3n%20es%20un%20de%20las%20tendencias%20que,resultados%20como%20a%20tu%20bienestar
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