There are people who do not know how to be alone (without a partner), that is, who suffer from emotional dependence or who have a toxic (harmful, harming) partner relationship. Emotional dependence is defined as the need to have and/or be side by side (couple) continuously, depending on the emotional level of it, meaning that one (or both, in the case of codependency), does not know how to be without its partner and depends for everything on it. In this disorder, one lives with the constant fear of abandonment (which originates in childhood). According to Jorge Castelló Blasco, a specialist in personality disorders, emotional dependence is "a persistent pattern of unmet emotional needs, which are attempted to cover in a disadaptive way with other people". Health professionals describe this disorder as "an extreme and continuous affective need," where affective relationships are built between individuals that potentially lead to anxiety or depression, in cases of rupture. Emotional dependence also manifests itself by establishing a new courtship shortly after finishing with the couple, so there is no prudent time to craft the duel of the previous relationship. The person does not endure grief, pain, suffering and loneliness, seeking a new relationship. The explanation for this behavior is that the pain he feels is so great that he cannot face it and flees, taking refuge in a new relationship that calms discomfort. Emotional dependence is present in toxic relationships, where the couple feels discomfort, sadness, anxiety or anger, but nevertheless cannot end the relationship or end but return again and again, being unable to end the relationship definitively, even if they are unhappy. This disorder is the same as dependence on a toxic substance, it is an addiction (but instead of being an addiction to a psychoactive substance such as alcohol, tobacco or drug, this addiction occurs by a person). By resembling a substance addiction, we also find the same components that define addiction: dependence (I can't live without the dose), tolerance (I need an increasing dose to feel the same effects that felt at first) and withdrawal syndrome (if I get the dose removed, I have a very bad time. Withdrawal syndrome causes a great discomfort, which occurs in the form of anxiety. Emotional dependence has the same brain mechanisms as drugs: the pleasure centers that are located in the mesocorticolimbic region of the brain, where the highest peak of dopamine (neurotransmitter related to addictions and pleasure) is produced. Abstinence syndrome in emotional dependence There is a false belief (or misconception) in the dependent person that their partner makes sense of their life or that without it cannot be happy or functioning. According to this belief, emotional dependents can suffer in a dreadful way when they lose that overrated being. When they lose it, it's when emotional withdrawal syndrome takes place, which consists of a series of behaviors aimed at restoring that loss. These behaviors included:
Look at the phone compulsively: to see if you receive any messages from that person or to see if you're online.
Call the person compulsively: it's an attempt to get him back by his side and to receive that "dose of affection" he needs.
Going out looking for the person under any circumstances: sometimes the discomfort is so great that it forces the dependent to go out and look for the object of his love.
Threatening to hurt yourself: it's common among dependents, threatening to hurt yourself for your partner to come back.
Be aggressive with the lost person: you can be aggressive on a verbal or physical level.
Deceive others: The environment closest to the dependent usually advises leaving that toxic relationship, but it doesn't usually work for them. One way to free yourself from what you don't want to hear is to cheat friends and family.
Set aside people who really love us: the dependent does anything to have the object of his desire back, regardless of whether he has to suspend his plans with other people or stop seeing friends and family. His abstinence in more powerful than his reasoning.
Abstinence syndrome is only the way to accept that the partner is no longer part of the dependent's life and that they must continue on the path in solitude. In order to overcome withdrawal syndrome, you must be willing to go through that dark tunnel of emotions. It is necessary to open yourself to the emotional experience (crying, getting angry, isolating yourself, etc.). The emotional dependent will try to return once and a thousand times with his ex-partner, just as the drug addict ingenias them to obtain the substance and consume it again. This behavior leads to a vicious circle, since the contempt of the former couple increases and causes the self-esteem and dignity of the dependent person to be diminished. The person with this type of dependence needs to stay in touch with their partner and if the bond breaks down at all, emotional withdrawal syndrome arises. Who suffers from emotional dependence? Although emotional dependence can be transient, what happens most often is that the pattern of emotional dependence has been present throughout your life and with the different partners you have. It is a sentimental dependence, that is, it does not refer to material motives (as is the case with economic dependence), but refers to the need for love and affective bonding. The person with emotional dependence, experiences intimately and intensely, a type of affective deficiency that she feels she must carry with someone outside, doing everything possible to cover that need that ends up being chronic (to do it chronic) by herself. Normally, people with this disorder often look for couples with a dominant character, which can tend towards selfishness and narcissism, which are possessive and authoritarian. Emotional dependence may explain the behavior of staying with the partner when there is physical and/or psychological abuse on the partner's part. The dependent usually idealizes his partner, living in submission to her. The affected person is able to recognize the abuse, the least price and how toxic the relationship can be, however, he is unable to leave his partner and is "hooked" to her. They can even ask for "forgiveness" for things they haven't done, as long as they don't lose each other and to win or approval and love. Causes: Being an emotionally dependent person is not done overnight, but there are factors that cause it. For example, the absence of an education based on personal autonomy, the way in which our reference figures related to each other (father, mother) and of these, to the rest of contemporaries, of what could be assimilated from them, of the comments that have or have been telling ourselves of who we are or are not since we have been right until now. Those labels that we have been given as adults as adults, almost invariably and have an important influence on the way we are, want, need and think about the world. Possibly as children, we had some affective deficiency and learned that it is much better to be accompanied than alone, for example. According to psychologist Fernando Conde, most emotional dependencies originate in childhood. He claims that education and the parenting environment are causes of the persistent pattern of unmet emotional needs. People with this pattern of behavior, as well as anxious or depressed, may feel frightened in adulthood; a fear that accompanies them at the thought of a breakup. These people develop a (irrational) fear of being alone, which again generates low self-esteem, with ideas of not deserving of love. Types of emotional dependence: Those who suffer from emotional dependence usually focus their partner as the object of their dependence. However, in the absence of this, the person can focus the satisfaction of this need with other related figures, such as parents, family members and/or friends. According to this, we can then talk about three types of emotional dependence:
Towards the couple: it is the type of emotional dependence that we already talk about and is the most frequent of all, as well as one of the most harmful. As we saw, part of the mistaken belief that our partner is the one who gives meaning to our lives or that protects us from terrible loneliness. In this type of dependence, the couple becomes the main axis of life itself.
Towards the family: it is characterized by having dependence on parents and/or family members. It usually corresponds to family structures where parents suffer strong states of anxiety and pass it on to their children, being educated in a context of excessive fear in front of the world and the external is seen as a threat, while the family breast is a refuge. It is characterized by an anxious/ambivalent attachment style (where the child feels a strong insecurity and fear of being abandoned by his parents) and parents are characterized by being extremely overprotective. Those with this type of dependence overestimate the protection offered by the family. In these types of families they promote the belief that the person is not capable of great challenges.
Towards the social environment: it is characterized by the excessive need to be recognized and approved in any environment. If the medium does not value and accept the individual, the individual panics and will do what is necessary to achieve such psychological compensation. Feeling rejected is the worst thing that can happen to him. To achieve such approval, the person may become servile (he feels compelled to please others, even passing over himself, being able to make any sacrifice as long as he does not have to face rejection or confrontation) or may become invisitable (the person may renounce his convictions, as long as he does not enter into tension with the environment). In both cases, the situation is completely harmful.
In any case, whether it is dependence on the couple, the family or the social environment, what lies in the background is poor self-esteem. It is based on the belief that you have little worthwhile and that you are inferior or less competent than others, to get around life. This poor self-esteem, which leads the emotional dependent to systematically devalue. They are critical of themselves and their way of being, to the point of feeling inferior and guilty of the contempt they may receive from their romantic partners. Characteristics of a person with emotional dependence:
Low self-esteem.
Feelings of emptiness.
Excessive need to please and approve others.
Over-idealize certain people with a marked and dominant personality.
Need to form a couple, living for and for love.
Inability to break ties.
Intense fear of abandonment.
Leave decision-making in someone else's hands.
Justify physical, sexual or psychological abuse.
Justify behaviors lacking affection.
Constant search for approval of decisions.
Not knowing how to end a conflicting or toxic relationship.
Look for people with limited or unreliable emotionality.
Treatment: In order to treat emotional dependence, the first thing that needs to happen is for the person to accept the problem and seek psychological help, along with pharmacological therapy, if the psychiatrist thinks it appropriate. It is essential to quickly initiate psychological therapy to disassociate yourself emotionally from the partner.
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