Are you in a relationship and want to take the next step (whether living with him/her or talking about marriage), but want to start on the right foot? Next I'll talk about what you need to keep in mind to get a couple project together, without dying in the attempt. Living or marrying the person who loves each other is the beginning of a joint project in which agreements must be reached from the beginning, making crucial decisions such as where to live and whether or not children are desired, among other topics. Do you feel it's time to formalize your relationship with your partner, but don't know where to start or what to do? One day you may feel that a special relationship has finally arrived in which something different happens, something that drives you to try to build a lasting, stable relationship, possibly something for life. However, it can be said that the life project is not born with the couple, contrary to what you might think (since we all have a life project, before we are with a couple, being this project, the way we would like to live). We all have tastes, ambitions, dreams, etc., that are modeling ideas about the place that each thing occupies in our concrete life. We all have ideas about what work, money and its administration means, where we want to live, the style and type of social life we want to lead, how many children we would like to have (if we want to have them) and all this gradually creates our life project. Each of us works to make your real life and personal project look and match as much as possible. As we approach someone with the goal of forming a partner or having a relationship with someone, what has been found are also two life projects. For these two people to become a couple, they need to share a common life project, otherwise there is no partner. Therefore, three projects would be being talked about: "yours", "mine" and "ours". Depending on how the coexistence of these three projects is resolved, it will depend on the quality of life of the couple or the possibility of their existence. You have the belief that "love can do everything" and although if there is love, you can almost everything, the truth is that you have to find out whether or not you can have plans in common as a couple, because otherwise the couple will not work, no more love there is. To illustrate this, one can resort to the following metaphor: "Weneed to find out if one is a bird and the other is a fish, because a fish and a bird can fall in love, but where will they live?" When talking about a couple, it is necessary to take into account the wishes of each one. Generally, before making the decision to form a life together, enough time must elapse for each one's tastes, ambitions, and dreams to come to light, i.e. personal life projects in detail. There are times when the decisions that are made or are going to be made are clear to the couple, but not everything is so clear: most of the time we realize the project model of the other throughout the coexistence and that is when the problems or desire of each one where it is defined as wanting to work to achieve them arise. It is important to pay attention to what happens within us when the other counts their projects: we will have to see their look alike, if they are curious and concern us or on the contrary, generate rejection. We will have to gradually discover how much the personal plans in the couple coincide or not. From these coincidences, the project in common arises. You might think that "the ideal couple, is the one that has projects equal to mine", because it does not need to be so: what if necessary is that a part of the projects overlap, coincide, forming what will be the project in common, but it is very enriching that each retains a personal part, places to nourish outside the couple , which bring variation and fresh air to the common project. It is crucial that differences are also accepted, so that the fans do not have to be shared (she can be distracted painting and he can do it, playing sport). Differences, when accepted and mutually supported, can teach us many things, even if they sometimes surprise us or may frighten us. There is no measure that defines how much personal projects have to match, to form one in common (when the couple is made up of two independent people, they probably need freedom of movement and the projects themselves occupy an important part and the projects in common, a smaller part). However it is important to carefully attend to the harmony of the plans in common (if one intends to have children and the other does not or if only one wants to live abroad, the couple will have conflicts and difficulties). Many couples choose to live as a couple, despite the great challenge this poses, but it is necessary that the couple be a place of growth and personal expansion of the two. For this reason, each person's personal plans need to be made, at least partially. Suddenly there can be no simultaneous growth of personal projects, but an alternate one, but what ends up being harmful to the relationship is that the personal project of one (or both) members is completely renounced, whether voluntarily (or not), depending on the other, because if one sacrifices all desires , sooner or later that will cause conflict and "bill." There can be no subjugation or domination; couples who are structured in this way, carry within themselves the germ of their own destruction. This is not to say that one of the members of the couple cannot have a position of respect for each other's plans and change projects to satisfy who we want. But it must be an authentic movement, from the bottom of my heart and not an imposition that is lived like torture. When it is a decision of heart, the very postponement of personal plans is compensated by seeing the other happy, but if it is an imposition and torture, we will have to know that no one endures eternal suffering. Questions every couple must ask the most in order to have a fulfilling common life:
Where in the city/city/country will we live? They should consider whether they will live in the city center or on the outskirts, or if they will live in the countryside or if they are going to move abroad, etc.
Will we have children? It is a crucial question for a couple, because in case one wants and the other does not, it can break the relationship, especially if the issue is not discussed from the beginning. Another related question that is important to ask yourself in case you do want to be how many children to have
How will we use the money and who will manage it? There are many ways to organize the economy of a rigging, although it is generally derived from what we have learned in the family model. Other fundamental questions are: Who puts the money? Do the two members of the couple work or just one? Is everything going to a common sack or are separate economies established? How are expenses decided? What is the level of independence to spend the money? Some of these issues might seem trivial, but the money – and the power it entails – has led to many disputes.
What is the job's place? The role of work, what place it occupies in the day to day and in life itself, is an issue that must be talked about with the couple, because work and professional development take much of the time and energy of each of us. The rest of the time remains for the couple and everything else, but the two members need to know if they accept that "rest."
What social life do we want? There are lonely people and others who like to be in continuous contact with people, either personally or at parties. If there is much difference in criteria, one may feel isolated or invaded, as the case may be. We need to talk about what we like and understand the perspective of who we want to find a way to agree.
What role does each family play? It is important to note, in advance, the role that families of origin play ineach member of the couple, the type of treatment and the degree of dependence or meddling that each member is willing to accept. Disagreement at this point often results in a partner crisis.
Will we respect fidelity? There are people who require different types of freedom, who can get to the approach of some form of free love. It's a sensitive issue and the decision is very personal. However, in the event that the need for this kind of freedom is expressed, the desire must be mutual and this kind of "open-door love" should be accepted by both previously.
When is a good time in a relationship to start building joint projects? The right time to start building a project in common or together, as a couple as such, is when the two are prepared to do so, just as they should both agree to take the next step, whatever it is (having a pet together,, buying an apartment?, having a car?...). The right time is also the time when you have spoken about the subject in question and realized that you have likes and related interests, but why bother to have a project together, if you do not have the same interests and objectives in common, if you do not want the same thing? Is it advisable to live together before marriage? It can be said that if what is being thought about is marriage, effectively a reasonable, certain and more prudent decision to live together before marriage. It is necessary to check whether a couple is compatible in all aspects and senses, as well as to check whether or not they have the same objectives (for example: do they want or do not want to be parents?, because it makes no sense for them to marry or go to live together if one wants to be a parent and the other does not, it is a type of decision in which one must fully agree , otherwise the relationship will be doomed to failure sooner or later). You have to see if they are compatible in habits, routines, manias, tastes, etc. Another important example is to know how everyone does things and how everyone likes to do things, because otherwise, if they get married and don't live together before, they can take unpleasant surprises when there's not much to do anymore, that is, when they're already married, so they should know if they're compatible in every way (a crucial aspect is sexual , if they do not have sex during courtship or before marriage, how will they know if they are sexually compatible? , simply using toothpaste one way or another (appeasing the cream from the beginning or from the middle) causes discomfort and discussions that add up with other incompatibilities and end up causing the breakup or separation of the couple. What kind of experiences should a couple live before taking their relationship to another level such as living together or getting married? It is recommended that a couple have the following experiences before taking a relationship to other levels:
Living an independent life: leaving our potatoes' house and becoming independent is an underpinning aspect of achieving emotional, professional and economic stability.
Having a personal project: Although marriage is about making a life as a couple, the healthiest or healthiest thing is that each member of the couple has their own personal project before marriage, although this may be subject to change, but respect and mutual understanding must lead to the two continuing their goals.
It is recommended to have had previous relationships: the probability of failure will be reduced if you already have a reference of how you work within one relationship, know what you expect from the other and learn from the mistakes of the past. In addition, if you have a history of previous relationships, you will understand which type of person best fits the couple life project you want to build.
Travel: it is recommended to travel, either alone, they are friends or with the couple, before thinking about marriage, while although a marriage does not prevent planning and making trips, if it will make it more difficult (since it must coincide with the times of both, then the children will come, the economy may not be fully adjusted by the purchase of goods as a home , cars, etc.).
Concrete your dream before marriage: if you have a dream incompatible with life as a couple or with marriage, you should realize it before you get married (for example, if you want to live a time abroad or undertake something that you are passionate about). It is advised to do so and not to be left with the remorse that can frustrate you afterwards.
What to do when you find out that you and your partner have different life projects? When you consider topics like "having children," "changing jobs, or moving from city or country," you realize that suddenly your partner doesn't fit into your life project or vice versa. You may gradually see that things don't go in the direction you'd like and you're giving in, until one day you realize that your relationship and your life plans are walking in the opposite direction: you don't feel like having kids or buying a separate or mortgage for the rest of your life or don't like the same weekend plans as your partner. For example, they have completely different priorities and find it impossible to move forward or make minimally coherent future plans and you feel like you're wasting your time with a person doesn't really understand you. Life projects take on important around age 30, at which point we consider things like: having children, changing jobs, moving out of town or any other decision that is decisive for a future as a couple. The most common reason for conflict between couples whether or not to have children: usually this conflict arises because one of the members of the couple wants to have children in the short, medium or long term and another does not share this idea (he may not want to at that time or that he simply does not want to have children ever, at which point the couple enters a serious crisis , causing until it ruptures). Another possible conflict that can occur in the couple is where to live, for example whether or not to go to live outside the country. It can happen that many couples, having fought hard to resolve many issues, realize that they don't actually share anything. This usually happens in couples with long relationships who have focused on raising children, for example, and on a day-to-day relationship, rather than analyzing their relationship and seeing where they are heading. These problems are usually caused by three key aspects: lack of communication, honesty and doubts. It is very important to be clear about what one wants and often oneself is not clear that one wants or when talking to the couple, it relates and leaves everything in a "good, I don't know, maybe later" and what ends up happening is that over time, when it comes time to consider the situation , one of the two comes out with a closed posture that his partner did not expect and leaves few options to the relationship. When it's time to consider having children and it's the man she doesn't want, the woman feels ripped off by those years of her life invested in that couple and the difficulties and time that will elapse until she finds another partner with which she wants to have children. The problem is that this usually ends in rupture, because in the event that one of us ends up giving in on the outside, he will feel a lot of frustration and end up blaming the other for what he has missed or what he has forced him to do. Therefore, in these cases, often the way must be the rupture. For such situations, the best solution is to be assertive from the beginning and say what you want or not want, as well as clear doubts before any important decisions (such as marriage, leaving a job, having children, moving from a country, etc.). To avoid such situations, it is necessary to seriously reflect on what you want and spend the necessary time talking about it from the beginning,as well as being consistent and telling the truth without relativizing (if you do not want children, living in another country, etc., say it and if you are not clear or have doubts, say so too). If you are not honest with the couple, there will come a time when the conflict arises and the only way to deal with it is to overcome your fears and accept your purposes, above those of your partner. If necessary and the incompatibility of objectives or projects is very large, because you should think about leaving it and ending the relationship. Usually all this conflict arises due to the lack of honesty not only with the couple, but with oneself. If you don't know what you want yourself, how are you going to know if what your partner wants is the same as you? Finally, your life plans and consistency come first. You should never put the couple before your life projects, otherwise (if you put the relationship before your wishes), you will end up full of frustration and the relationship will become toxic. Even if it's not easy, finding someone who fits what we really want is the only way to be happy as a couple.
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