Duel
Grief is a process of emotional adaptation that subsequently occurs to any loss (let's talk about a physical, emotional or imaginary loss). One can speak of mourning the loss of a loved one, the loss of a loving relationship, the loss of a job, etc. There is also talk of bereavement at the loss of an animal, an object or a significant event.
It is a mainly emotional and behavioral reaction, in the form of suffering and affliction, when a strong affective bond is broken.
Conventionally, when talking about bereavement, emphasis has been placed on the emotional response of loss, but in addition to the emotional realm, there is also a physical, a cognitive, a philosophical, a behavioral, a physiological and a social dimension.
When talking about "mourning", reference is made to the course of the process from the time the loss occurs, until it is overcome. This elaboration may begin before loss, in the event that death or loss can be foreseen at some time (this is the case of anticipatory duel, known as the "preduelo").
Grief is a process that usually lasts between 6 months and a year, when it comes to the loss of a loved one very close (father, mother, son, partner...). Grief is not considered a disease proper, although it may become so if its elaboration is not correct. In the event that symptoms do not decrease over time, after this period and cause problems to function in daily life, we would be talking about a "pathological duel" and it is time to go to a health care professional (psychologist or psychiatrist), as we would be talking about an episode of chronic depression in these cases.
Grief is usually externalized with crying, rage, violent attacks and a good number of reactions, all of them considered "normal" at the time. For the proper elaboration and overcoming of grief, it is advisable to feel those sensations of pain, because they cannot be faced if they do not feel. The opposite is the denial of loss and leads to unadaptive behaviors.
The external manifestation of bereavement is what is known as "mourning", which is defined as the cultural and formalized expression of bereavement (this one has in mourning, its most social correlation).
Stages of bereavement:
According to Elisabeth Kobler-Ross, the stages of the are:
Denial: occurs when the person refuses to himself and/or the environment that the loss has occurred.
Anger: it's a state of discontent at not being able to avoid the loss that happens. Causal reasons and guilt are sought.
Negotiation: negotiate with yourself or with the environment, understanding the pros and cons of loss. An attempt is made to find a solution to loss, despite knowing the impossibility of it happening.
Depression: you experience sadness about the loss. Depressive episodes can happen that should give way over time.
Acceptance: It is assumed that loss is inevitable. It represents a change of vision of the situation, without the loss; always bearing in mind that it is not the same to accept as to forget.
It is important to emphasize that some are not always fulfilled or passed through all stages of the duel, some can be skipped and do not necessarily occur in the order stipulated above.
There are four tasks that must be performed to complete the duel:
Accept the reality of loss.
Experience the reality of loss.
Feel the pain and all your emotions.
Adapt to an environment in which the being who died is lacking, learn to live in his absence, make decisions in solitude, withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it in new situations or relationships.
Determinants in the elaboration of grief
Some determinants that influence the elaboration of grief in case of death are as follows:
The kind of affective relationship with the deceased
The duration of the deadly disease and agony, if there is a
The degree of kinship
The character of death
The appearance of the corpse
The degree of dependence
The survivor's gender
Social support (presence or absence of social networks)
Religious or philosophical or spiritual ideas
The presence or not of other mourning experiences
The intensity and duration of this process and its correlates will be proportional to the dimension and meaning of the loss. The process also influences the person's vision of death, as it makes a difference in the experience of bereavement. It is not the same a vision of future life as "heaven" in the Christian religion where negative experience is mitigated, and may even be a cause for joy and celebration, compared to other religions or atheism.
To this we must add the cultural and social factor, which can make the elaboration of grief differ greatly, although the type of bond and attachment that was had with the deceased is still fundamental. Another factor to consider is the presence of third parties to which the loss affects them, so that a solidarity duel can be given.
Types of losses:
Since the bereavement stage does not necessarily have to occur due to the loss of a loved one, before moving on to the types of bereavement, we will see the different kinds of losses that can occur:
Relational losses: they have to do with the loss of people, i.e. separations, divorce, death of loved ones, etc.
Loss of ability: Occurs when an individual loses physical and/or mental abilities. For example, by an amputation of a member.
Material losses: occurs in the face of loss of objects, possessions and material losses.
Evolutionary losses: are the changes of the stages of life: old age, retirement, etc. Not everyone fits this situation the same.
Not all losses generate bereavement; However, depending on each other's resources or other psychological variables (such as self-esteem or lack of social skills), losses can cause discomfort and suffering for more or less time.
Types of bereavement:
Different authors have given differentty pologies of bereavement. There has been talk of complicated, chronic, frozen, exaggerated, repressed, masked, psychotic duels, etc.
The typologies are:
Normal bereavement: this type of bereavement is discussed when you experience the loss of a loved one (family, partner, friend, partner, pet, etc.).
Early duel: it is the one that occurs before death has occurred. It is common when diagnosing a disease that has no cure. The grieving process is the usual one, which the person experiences various feelings and anticipatory emotions, which will prepare him emotionally and intellectually for the inevitable loss. Early grief is a long-term grieving process, not as sharp as the rest, since when death comes it is often experienced, in part, as something that gives calm.
Pathological duel: the persistence or intensity of symptoms has led to stopping working, social, academic, organic life. Pathological mourning can occur when the person is unable to stop reviving death-related events in detail and vividly, and everything that happens to him reminds him of that experience.
Unresolved Duel: Means the grieving phase is still present. However, it is often referred to as the type of grief that happens when a certain amount of time has passed (between 18 and 24 months) and has not yet been overcome.
Chronic duel: it is also a kind of unresolved duel, which does not refer over time and lasts for years (it is a type of pathological duel or complicated bereavement.
Absent duel: refers to when the person denies that the facts have occurred, therefore, it is the stage of denial that we have talked about before, in which the individual continues to avoid reality despite having spent a lot of time, that is, the person has been stuck at this stage because he does not want to face the situation.
Delayed Duel: It is similar to the normal duel, with the difference that its start occurs after a while. It is usually part of the absent duel and is also called frozen bereavement. It usually appears in people who over-control their emotions and are seemingly strong. Delayed bereavement usually occurs when the person who suffers from it, at first, must take care of many things that require their immediate attention, such as the care of a family.
Inhibited grief: occurs when there is a difficulty in the expression of feelings, so the person avoids the pain of loss. It's usually associated with somatic complaining. The limitations of the individual's personality prevent him from crying or expressing grief. Unlike absent grief, it is not a defense mechanism.
Blocked bereavement: a denial of the reality of loss occurs, where there is an avoidance of the elaboration of bereavement and there is an emotional-cognitive blockage that manifests itself through behaviors, illusory perceptions, somatic or mental or relational symptoms.
Distorted grief: manifests itself as a strong disproportionate reaction to the situation. It usually happens when the person has already experienced a previous duel and is faced with a new situation of grief. For example, he may have experienced the death of a father, and when an uncle dies, he also relives his father's death, leading to a much more intense, painful and disabling situation.
Unauthorized grief: occurs when the environment around the person does not accept the duel of the person. For example, when after a long time the family reproaches the person who remains grieving. It suppresses feelings for the family, but internally it has not surpassed it. Often, this type of grief occurs when the person who died or left forever was associated with a stigma and was excluded, at least for the near environment of the person who suffers from it (for example, his family). Expressing grief can become a symbolic act that subverts certain political and social ideas. For example, if the absent person was someone's gay partner and the family does not approve of such relationships.
THE PATHOLOGICAL DUEL AND ITS DISTINCTION WITH THE NORMAL DUEL:
Pathological (or complicated) bereavement is one whose intensification reaches the level at which the person is overwhelmed, resorts to misadaptive behaviors or remains endlessly in this state, without advancing the process of mourning towards his resolution (Horowitz, 1980)-
There are basically four types of pathological bereavement:
Bereavement is a severe psychosocial stressor, which can precipitate a major depressive episode in a vulnerable individual, usually shortly after loss.
When a major depressive disorder occurs during a grieving process, the risk of suffering, feelings of futility, suicidal ideation, worse work and interpersonal functioning increases and increases the risk of persistent bereavement disorder (pathological bereavement). Major grief-related depression is more likely to occur in individuals with personal or family history of depressive episodes.
Pathological bereavement is genetically influenced and associated with personality characteristics, comorability patterns, and risk of chronicity and/or recurrence, such as major depressive episodes unrelated to bereavement. The depressive symptoms associated with bereavement respond to the same pharmacological and psychosocial treatments as depressive symptoms unrelated to bereavement. Although most people go through a duel without developing a major depressive disorder, the evidence supports that it be included as one of the stressors that can precipitate a major depressive episode.
Difference between normal bereavement and pathological bereavement:
Vulnerability factors for pathological bereavement:
Specific circumstances of death: Sudden, unexpected and unwelcome deaths, multiple deaths, murder or catastrophe deaths, and suicide deaths are considered more traumatic. On the other hand, when death occurs after long illnesses and the primary caregiver has been a single person, the survivor feels empty after death. There are also difficulties when the loss is uncertain (e.g. A disappearance or soldier on duty that is not known if he or she is alive or dead) and when there are multiple losses (e.g. earthquakes, fires, mass suicides).
Type of relationship or link with the deceased: it goes beyond the relationship of kinship, if the relationship with the deceased was difficult (discussions, reproaches...) becomes more complicated.
Needs and dependencies with the deceased: when the deceased was the support of the family or the mourner, economically and/or morally, psychic and physical vulnerability arises in the survivor.
Accumulated losses: Complicated duels in the past are more likely to be repeated in the face of further death.
Coexistence with the deceased: this results in further alteration of the biographical course, along with unforeseen, traumatic or accidental death and accumulated losses before or after.
Personality variables and previous mental health history: previous psychiatric history, physical disability, unresolved losses and personality traits such as tendency to low self-esteem and difficulty expressing emotions, are associated with a poor evolution in bereavement.
Family and social support: when the social support network is not adequate, it is not helpful, cases in which death is socially denied or a conspiracy of silence is created around the subject, situations of isolation, unemployment, low socioeconomic level, separation of the cultural or religious environment, other accumulated recent losses and coexistence in overprotective environments that avoid pain, a pathological duel can occur.
Economic situation: the death of a productive family member involves lower incomes, forcing the family to adapt to the new situation and producing additional stress.
Pathological bereavement predictors (risk factors):
THE ELABORATION OF THE DUELO WHEN THERE IS NO BODY (DISAPPEARANCE)
There are multiple situations that can cause a duel for disappearance: natural disasters, kidnappings, drowning, avalanche, plane crash, earthquake victim, enforced disappearance, war, etc.
There are now other realities in different parts of the world, where disappearance duels are necessary, for example in countries with armed conflict, where the guerrillas kidnap citizens indiscriminately, to kill them and often cannot find their bodies.
The situation is difficult for relatives and relatives of the missing person, because after many days of searching, both law enforcement and neighbors can withdraw from the area where the body is supposed to be, which increases the sense of vulnerability and sadness of survivors (relatives, close friends, colleagues who were able to share the situation with him/her, that is, they were saved but were powerless to help).
Clashes can occur between those who want to continue the search and those who defend the position of abandoning and ending the search, which increases people's pain and can reopen old wounds.
One thing that distinguishes relatives from a missing person is hope, perseverance, insistence on relentlessly seeking a sign of life or non-life. The feeling is he's not dead at all. There is an intense rememoration of the last moments of the loved one, of the clothes he was wearing, of what they did knowing that he was not there.
In these cases, the development of grief takes longer to start and is more difficult to develop. There is much more attachment to some of the deceased's personal items and it costs more to get rid of their possessions or their things are kept longer, as if they were going to appear/come back someday. The phenomena of "appearance" (pseudo-institutions) in which relatives and relatives "believe" to see the missing person are much more powerful.
Until there is no real record that the body has appeared lifeless, there is no personal and social "permission" to start crafting grief: the lifeless body is the element that confirms irreversibly death. In cases of disappearance, collective rituals are of great importance for the elaboration of grief and the lack of the body hinders them, because it is the central element.
Grief requires a reality test that proves that that loved one no longer lives. That proof is his body. Relatives need to see him, say goodbye, put words to his pain, and have the remains of the one who was part of his life located. The pain comes from the exhaustion that the "I" suffers from the struggle between the love that binds him to being loved and the strength that separates him from him. Some of the psychic energy destined for that relationship is withdrawn from that recipient to place it in others that we have nearby and with which we can feed our lives. This process is slow and painful.
The mortal remains play an important role in the processing of grief, while enabling confrontation with the certainty that the loved one is no longer alive. There is no going back, it must be accepted. In the absence of mortal remains, relatives are hooked on the affections that unsote them to the deceased from which they could not say goodbye. On anniversaries flowers are taken to the grave of those we lost who had a place in our history. Because they still have it, even if they're no longer by our side.
Funeral ceremonies and rites help to think of the necessary distinction between the disappearance of the body and a certain survival of the disappeared in the memory of those who loved it. Now, to accept that the dear person is no longer here, it is advisable to see his body. It also takes a grave in which to deposit what linked us to it.
In this sense, it is important to establish a place where symbolically the deceased person is located (a rock, a park bench, a recoveco of a beach...), so that the family, if desired, can go there to leave flowers, to pray or to feel / talk to the lost person.
In some cases, even if the body has not appeared and given the circumstances of death and the absence of some other indication of life, the person may be considered dead, but despite this, uncertainty continues, as well as cognitive ruminations as to what happened. It is recommended, when there is no longer any chance of the living person appearing, perform farewell ritual that serves as a point and aside and close pending matters.
In these types of bereavement, social support is much more important than in duels that occur due to other circumstances; people need to feel understood, roped, accompanied...
Grief in cases of enforced disappearance is the process in which relatives not only face a series of stages, as we would in the face of natural death, but also have the presence of impunity, terror, fear, lies, uncertainty, silence, forgetfulness, concealment, torture and violation of all human rights , which haunts the disappearance and possible death of the victim, making it difficult to recover. There is no longer only talk of sudden loss, painful agony or traumatic death, but also talk of agonizing loneliness, an unjust, illegitimate, illegal detention, the cover-up of the victim, the transgression of the right and the furtivity of the fact. This is the case of thousands of Colombian families, victims of cases of enforced disappearance, in a country where violence, injustice, impunity, poverty and inequality prevail.
Disappearance in these cases is synonymous with concealment, silence, non-existence, fear, forgetfulness, intimidation, rupture of the social fabric. It is the destruction of a life project, not only of the disappeared, but also of those around it. The disappearance is a great "NO": no information is given, there was no place where it was said to be, there was no state involvement, because disappearances are made outside the law, there are no culprits, no arrest is recognized, no arrest is recognized, there is no name, there is no body, there is no grave, no trace , I'm not alive, he's not dead, there's no DISAPPEARANCE.
There are a number of stages of bereavement different from those of conventional bereavement, in the cases of disappearance (forced), which are as follows:
Uncertainty and search stage:
Knowing the death of a loved one, the grieving process usually begins by protecting ourselves from the pain of any significant loss. This state of "numbness" allows us to gradually understand the meaning that it will bring to our lives to have separated us from someone we loved and to know that such separation is definitive, for nothing and no one will give us back the life of that person.
It is important to be certain of death, so initially uncertainty leads the mourners to look, to call with tears, to repeat over and over again the name of the person who died with the intention of awakening him from a dream from which he will not return. Therefore, in order to say definitively goodbye, the human being invented a thousand forms of rituals, which show the loss we have faced and prolong our closeness to him. Within these rituals, burying a body, however painful, is the first step to our recovery.
In a process of normal grief, we then speak of an initial state of denial, a numbness that commonly prepares us for the reality of death, but the disappearance itself is a denial (accompanied by painful uncertainty), which will extend beyond the encounter of a living or dead missing person. Without preparing for the reality of a loss, this state of shock confronts us abruptly with the reality of our country and so our faith in the institutions that we believed were responsible for our defense and protection is lost, because at first the disrecognise about who are the executors of the disappearance leads us to denounce it in front of state security agencies , and this permanent denunciation ends in break-ins, persecutions, impunity, entanglements and lies.
Faced with a disappearance, families are forced to modify the normal course of a duel. Initially they do not know what a enforced disappearance is and who performs it. Once the search begins for amphitheaters, clinics, prisons, the street, and finally knowing that the person they have searched for in the last corner became yet another victim of this dirty war, which ends up affecting us all and who is now a forced missing person, must face the possibility of torture and even the death of those who are destined to be an NN forever.
The tireless search is associated with denial, disbelief, unreality, which leads us to go further or beyond (witches, bioenergy, shamans, everything necessary to achieve an encounter).
The fruitless search leads to an alteration of everyday life on a physical level, emotional, affective, spiritual and social: sleep is altered, appetite is lost and as a result weight is lost, there is fatigue, tension, nervousness, increased morbidity, crying, feeling tired, anxious, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, hopelessness, apathy, feeling of incomprehension, isolation, and even change of friends, work and role, life loses meaning, is denied.
Without a body to bury, the line separating the living from the dead is not marked. Uncertainty about death seems to stop time and freeze space. The house, the clothes, the books, the clock, everything stays in the same place. It does not wash the last clothes I wear: an attempt to retain its smell, its presence, so that we do not forget. It is no coincidence, smell allows survival, that is, existence, the memory of what keeps us alive.
The ritual of keeping everything in the same place can be read as guilt and not only is it to keep space and time static, it also remains motionless sadness, the pain is unchanged, the possibility of continuing to live is denied, because uncertainty before the return seems to suspend life at the time of disappearance. The family is ingryned with the possible suffering of the disappeared and not only with his pain but also with his possible death. The possibility of relief is condemned, as much as the possibility of smiling, eating or sleeping. But the guilt is not only felt by what they do, but by what they stopped doing and for what they allowed the missing person to do or not to worry more about knowing what he was doing.
Confrontation:
Confrontation is accepting the reality that we will never see the person who died again.
People faced with violent and traumatic losses think that once the grieving process began, it will never end, in some cases refusing to appear.
To be grieving is to have the soul dressed in black, it is to have the body covered in pain and pain, fear and rupture; is what the perpetrator is looking to produce. That is why he is in mourning, that is, if death and the family can resist this pain not only because of the sadness of saying goodbye, but for denying the executioner victory.
Fear, a control mechanism, begins to fall prey to those around the victim's family, but curiously increases the courage of those who have to go through the viacrucis of a disappearance: protests, complaints, interviews with the victim, persecutions, raids, exiles, imprisonment and even blackmail.
Loneliness, anger, guilt, uncertainty, hopelessness, resentment, feeling persecuted leave serious consequences psychologically. As a result of the above, the family, the basis of society, destabilizes, dismembers, disorients and then the only real and firm support they had is lost.
Coping and recovery:
After enduring so much pain, irony, humor, support group, constant denunciation, work for others and by themselves, art, become their way of facing a cruel reality, is the way to adapt, to learn to live with pain, with the stone in the shoe, but as they themselves say : "The pain of violence is never cured".
In conclusion, bereavement is a necessary process, because from this you can begin to overcome loss and resume daily life prior to loss. People generally don't want to feel pain, except pain from the death of a loved one, but it needs to be felt in order to overcome death or loss (if you don't necessarily talk about death).
If you're having trouble overcoming loss (beyond 1 or 2 years) and the pain makes it impossible for you to get on with your life, remember to visit a health care professional to help you with the topic.
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