Jealousy can be defined as a subjective state characterized by a sense of frustration, where you have feelings and thoughts related to the loss of love, attention or affection of a person important to us, where a third person intervenes. They arise by believing that we are no longer emotionally reciprocated by loved ones (parents, couples...) or at least with the intensity and frequency we want or need. There are many causes that jealousy can trigger: in childhood it is common to appear jealousy, after the birth of a little brother. In a way, the child protects himself and claims to continue to have the same attention that was given to him before and that now has to be shared, therefore, it can have a certain adaptive value. However, on many occasions, the response of jealousy is exaggerated, prolonged in time and takes place with great discomfort and deterioration in family relationships. In these cases, it is when professional help is essential. In all jealousy episodes, there is a subjective experience of emotional discomfort and frustration, regardless of the events that provoke and perpetuate it. These causes can be real and obey objective or unreal facts (imagined or invented), in which case we could be faced with a clinical disorder. Normally, the response of the child or person suffering from jealousy, takes with envy and resentment towards the intrusive person who is perceived as a rival to share the same affective space. Jealousy implicitly leads to a process of cognitive distortion about the objective facts, the feelings of others, the future consequences and, ultimately, the perception of reality. This adds more negative burden and can increase in the child a low self-esteem, pictures of anxiety or fears but also misfit behaviors as explained below. The length of jealousy a child experiences in the family depends heavily on the performance of the parents. Its consequences on the eldest child or older children can be left in a temporary crisis, which occurs within reasonable limits or is en massing throughout childhood. Parent intervention is essential so that jealousy does not represent suffering for the eldest child, preventing the rivalry between children from being lasting. The effects of poorly resolved jealousy can change the child's character or increase some flaws in his temperament such as selfishness, envy or greed. No child is prepared to receive another sibling and the receipt of the news depends solely on their parents. For this reason, it is recommended that parents be the first to break the news to their child of the new brother's arrival, before anyone gets ahead of the way. It is advisable to speak to him with great affection and tact so that the child knows clearly what is going to happen. If you're concerned that he might feel displaced, you can ask him for an opinion on the décor of the little brother's room, about his clothes or the toys he can leave him, now that he's older. Explain that your brother is going to love you very much and that he will be able to take care of you and protect you. Besides, you can teach him a lot of things. It is recommended that, starting in the second trimester of pregnancy, your child will start communicating with his or her brother through his or her mom's navel to establish a first link of communication between the two. To manage children's jealousy during childbirth, the mother must say goodbye to her child before going to motherhood, whenever possible. The person who is going to care for you should do so in the child's home (to make the child feel safer). Remind the child what the reasons for some absences are and share with him everything that is going on. Even if you're in the hospital, call him on the phone to ask him about his activities. The role of the father, at the moment, must be even more visible and, where possible, he accompanies the child to the hospital so that he will visit his mother and meet his little brother. An important detail may be to welcome you to the hospital with a gift, brought to you by your new little brother. The time of return home is the one that demands the most tact. It's a good idea to show your child the joy you feel when you come back and see that you're all together again. If possible, show interest in hearing everything the eldest tells you about the days he was without his mom at home. The child now needs the safety and trust of his parents more than ever. So don't feel guilty if your child starts suffering with jealousy. All you can do is give him love and warn the visitors to pay attention to him too, not just the newborn. It is important not to vary the routine of the child after the birth of his brother, avoiding not altering the customs you had before the new baby was born. Try to participate in your games, be at the table at lunch or dinner, prepare your favorite snack and allow it to snuggle up in your arms. Make sure that the moment you had in store for him doesn't get upset and make him participate in the care of his new brother. So, for him too, the family will be a team job. Causes of child jealousy a) Children's characteristics
Typically, the causes of child jealousy (especially those between siblings) are attributed to environmental and evolutionary factors. Today, however, we know of the existence of certain characteristics of temperament in children who will be very relevant in the possible appearance of jealous behavior. These factors, which could be genetic in nature, would predispose to developing such behaviors with greater probability and intensity, forming over time a celoypic personality that would continue to manifest itself in adult life with sentimental couples or co-workers, among others.
Children with a sensitive temperament, detailed, methodical, with fairly rigid schemes and little tolerance for changes (from home, school, educators, etc.), sometimes with little ability to express their feelings in words (in the case of children over 4 years old), would have a better chance of developing a jealousy disorder at the arrival of a sibling.
On the other hand, we know that each child is different and so is their perception of the distribution of care and privileges among siblings by parents. Regardless of the objective situation that occurs in parent-child relationships, each child builds their own reality based on their character and previous history. In this way, we can believe that we are very equal in dealing with our children, but some of them can interpret otherwise.
More attention is often provided to the jealous child, but that doesn't help make him change his perceptions and feelings. Jealous behaviors may also be perpetuated as a way to obtain certain privileges or maintain a position of apparent "fragility" for use in your favor.
b) The evolutionary moment
Jealousy is normal within the child's evolutionary course and at an early age after the birth of a little brother (from 2 years to about 4 or 5). The most sensitive stage is when the brother's arrival occurs during the attachment phase.
Jealousy is considered to have an adaptive value in that it is a system of regulation of the child to face a new situation. They usually disappear or shrink as the child gets older.
Sometimes, when these jealousy is persistent over time, frequent, of a certain intensity and occur with significant discomfort in the family relationship, it is when we may encounter pathological jealousy that can be associated with certain internal factors of the child itself, among other causes.
Jealousy between brothers can occur in both ways, i.e. from the older brother to the younger one and vice versa. In the first case, regressive behaviors (childish behaviors of imitation of the younger brother, secondary enuresis, etc.) and in the second case, jealousy occurs in the sense of identifying with the older brother, who serves as a model, while claiming the rights and privileges granted to him by his older age.
c) Characteristics of parents
Parents' educational styles as well as family climate are also important factors to consider. In those homes where parents adopt an open, communicative style, equal treatment (within each age), of shared affection, without establishing comparisons between brothers and knowing how to highlight the best of each one, is where the risks of jealousy can be minimized.
When attention to children is asymmetrical, jealousy can be enhanced. It happens that there are children who are more outgoing, cheerful or with better social resources who tend to grab attention more easily than one of their siblings. It is normal for these children to receive more attention from others naturally.
When there is a good parent-child affective relationship before the birth of the brother, the risk of subsequent conflict is minimized because of jealousy.
It can be a trigger risk factor, the mood and emotional status of the mother after delivery. If there are major changes in his or her behavior or habits (tiredness, postpartum stress, depression, etc.), they can affect the child who relates negative changes to the arrival of the brother.
d) Environmental factors
Each child is an individual with unique characteristics and these are formed throughout the evolutionary cycle, based on the interaction of their genetics with the experiences lived and the education received.
Children who in early childhood have suffered from affective deficiencies (ill-treatment, aggression, neglect, etc.), can subsequently develop a special sensitivity to the continuous need for care (even if the environment has been "normalized") and will have little tolerance to share their space with others, therefore they tend to develop jealous behaviors of different kinds.
In general, an excessive or misunderstood affective environment (tolerating everything, giving in to your demands, making you believe that it is the center of the universe, etc.) as the opposite (poor affectivity, poor treatment, little interaction, abandonment, etc.), can lead to mismatches that occur with episodes of jealousy among other behavioral manifestations.
Symptoms and manifestations of jealousy in children Indicators of the presence of jealousy in children can be varied and range from the appearance of behaviors of isolation, unhappiness and frustration (internalizing or directed behaviors towards oneself), to disruptive and aggressive behaviors, aimed at both people who are subject to envy and attachment figures (externalizing behaviors directed at others). Depending on the temperament of the child, his age and environmental circumstances the celotypic manifestations will vary between the two proposed extremes and may be simultaneous with a combination of both.
Jealous children may develop some of the following behaviors:
Unjustified mood swings.
Signs of unhappiness.
I cry often for no reason.
Sadness accompanied by verbal manifestations of not feeling sufficiently loved.
Appearance of new behaviors (not present until the arrival of a brother or already overcome) usually misfits with the simple reason of attracting the attention of the parents (pipi in bed, refusing to eat, unwarranted aggressiveness towards objects or animals, abnormal social behavior, etc.).
Changes in verbal and gestural expression. Return to a more childish language with the presence of immature gestures such as sucking your finger.
Alterations in food patterns (less appetite or more selective with food, rejecting previously preferred dishes or you have to be given food) and sleep (insomnia, night waking, requesting sleep with parents, etc.)
Negativism, stubbornness, difficulty obeying. In the most extreme cases: oppositionism, manifest aggression and defiant attitude towards parents and colleagues.
Systematically deny one's mistakes and blame others for their problems or attitudes (especially the brother who is jealous).
Intervention for child jealousy
The best way to regulate jealousy is to try to know the origin of them. We must take into account the child's previous story, age, circumstances, etc.
It is also important to differentiate between the sudden appearance of jealousy or a jealous temperament or personality. In the first case, we may suspect the emergence of some novel element such as the birth of a brother. In the second case these are children with a certain predisposition to them and their treatment will be more complex.
In the event that the episodes are kept in time, their magnitude will be disproportionate to what is expected by their age and education received, resulting in a deterioration in family relationships (that is when a professional is advised to visit).
Once jealousy is identified, parents and other relevant family members should agree on a common strategy to help the child.
Guidance to minimize jealous sibling behaviors:
It is essential to strike a balance in treating different brothers so that there is no treatment of preference for any of them, nor are comparisons established.
It is always more effective to praise the positives than to criticize the negatives.
In the case of jealous behaviors (tantrums, disobedience, negativism, etc...), withdrawal of attention or some of the behavioral techniques used in behavior modification may apply.
If jealousy is a demand for emotional attention, we should be able to give it contingently (to desired or positive behaviors, never after jealousy episodes.
Increasing time in activities and games throughout the family is a good way to improve communication and strengthen ties.
Respond calmly to jealous episodes, without stridentness or recrimination, communicate to the child our disappointment at their behavior and stop paying attention to them. Later when he calms down and, depending on age, we can try to reason what happened and give him emotional attention.
"Reasoning" with the jealous child (even if he or she is old enough to understand our arguments) will not always work. We must understand their behaviors as a symptom of discomfort and not from an adult perspective.
When jealousy is from the older brother to a lower-age sibling, it may be helpful to remind him of the advantages and "privileges" he has when he is older (for example, lying down later or being able to perform certain activities).
For children from about age 3-4, it may be helpful to give them some prominence regarding care for the younger sibling and the importance of their help to the family. At these ages it can be unbearable to lose all the prominence due to the newcomer. It is common for different people and family members who visit the baby to give him almost exclusive attention, leaving the brother second and increasing his jealousy.
The relationship between brothers has its own cycle of development. If the family climate is emotionally stable and balanced, the punctual jealousy is usually overcome and has no major problems.
Tips to help the child overcome jealousy
1. Prepare him during his/her brother's pregnancy: from the fourth month of gestation it would be nice to explain to your child that you're carrying his or her little brother in the womb and that he or she will be not only his/her brother( a), but also his/her lifelong friend, who will share games, toys, fun moments, and everything else. That the family will be bigger and happier. Answer all the questions he or she asks you, fondly. Every day, you should remember that to your child and make him participate in what is changing in your body, how the belly grows, etc. 2. Avoid changing routines and habits with your child: often, the tiredness of the pregnant woman causes her to stop doing routine activities with the child. As much as possible, prevent that from happening. If you can't be with your son, ask the father to be after you. You must maintain the whole routine of play, care, exits, with the child, before and after delivery. Moments with the older brother must always be maintained. 3. Hold him/her responsible for his/her little brother and value his/her help: when the baby is born, have him or her help you bathe his/her brother, clean it up, sing a song to him or just watch him/her as long as you have to do something in the kitchen, for example. Avoid comparisons and comments that your baby behaves, falls asleep, or eats better than his older brother. 4. Be tolerant and patient with the jealousy of the brother: jealousy is very normal for the evolution of children. By overcoming them, the children will mature. There are cases where the brother suffers a mature regression or recoil, that is, he wants to suck again, or mepe on top, or even use baby language. Be patient, think that it is a necessary stage and that together you will overcome it. 5. Praise his accomplishments and teach empathy to the brother: the brother continues to grow, learn, and accomplish new things. Time hasn't stopped for him. So recognize your achievements like tying your shoes alone, getting to take your first steps or getting to write a letter of the alphabet, etc. Take the opportunity to teach them to put themselves in the place of others to help them grow like him.
Tips to avoid jealousy Talking positively about a new family member's arrival is one of the first steps early childhood psychologists recommend to prepare a child when he or she will no longer be the only child. It is important that there is a proper preparation with the eldest child, as it will not be easy to reach a new member who gets the attention of his family nucleus. With the arrival of a new baby, there is an involuntary displacement of the eldest child that requires attention, care and evaluation. Conflicting situations are always generated, more for the child than for adults in the family nucleus. The planning with the little one is similar to that done by the mother month by month. During pregnancy, the eldest child should be about the role he or she will play when his/her brother is born, because usually the first feeling he or she will experience is jealousy. The first thing they see is that someone is growing in the mother's body, a body they believe is from him/her, because some still receive breast. They may feel that they are taking away something that is their property; only of them; these jealousy can increase when the baby is already present, because the care of his parents is more evident and does not have as much attention as before. The arrival of a new member in the family brings with it many emotions in children and provokes feelings that they have often not felt before. These can be fear, sadness, disappointment and jealousy. When parents are sure that the pregnancy is developing with peace of mind and safety, they should share the news with the child as a first step to start preparing it. Importance of preparation It is essential that parents work with appropriate and accessible explanations for their child, so that they are careful when building the image of that future and the child's space in the family. In understanding and assimilation of this new stage, the eldest child develops feelings that they will need to understand; some expressions are tender, when approaching the mom's belly, and others are aggressive and hostile, but they must be analyzed and understood calmly. The most decisive moment is when the baby is born, as the eldest may be jealous because his parents no longer devote all the time to him. Many experience a setback within normal behaviors and basic primary processes. These primary processes consist of sleep, grooming and feeding routines, i.e. if they were already independent in going to the bathroom, they start to wet the bed again. Some avoid eating solids and want to return to the breast. There are many ways children try to get parents' attention to make them feel they are worth it, so it's important for parents to understand that the child needs to be included. It is essential that parents look for spaces for children to express their emotions, fears, and even their hostile thoughts and negative fantasies. They should converse with the child expressing affection, trying to get him to say what he feels and looking for ways to handle it, so that they do not motivate answers of disapproval and less punishment that could worsen the situation or lead to conflict. The most immediate feeling to control is the suspicion towards parents, which is clearly seen in early adolescence because he feels that they have had his attention taken away and they do not want it. Jealousy is a very unhealthy friction because it is where the first conflicts between the brothers appear. Such conflicts can lead to problems in communication and socialization in adulthood if they are not properly resolved. Another issue to keep in mind is that about 20 years ago it was ideal for siblings to have 4 to 5 years apart, however, it is now recommended that this difference be as minor as possible because of the family dynamics that are lived. Recommendations Parents are advised to be promoters of healthy emotional education, i.e. good communication. May they lose the fear of dialogue with their children and explain, in simple terms, the whole process. It is recommended that you do not take children away from this new stage, to include them within activities with minimal tasks, such as choosing the decoration of the room. In addition, it is good that you do not get out of the stimulation with the mother and caress the belly and feel the emotions of the new baby.
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