Throughout their development, children undergo numerous changes due to the search for their identity. The most important periods of rebellion in children occur between 2 and 6 years and adolescence, as these are stages in which the child's own will to want to do what he believes is right appears. These are periods when children are strugglingand in which parents must accompany them to the rhythm of their changes, therefore rebellion isassociated with this difficulty on the part of parents with following the change of their children.
The age of the child must always be taken into account, since the rebellion of a 2- or 4-year-old child as one of 10 or 12 is not the same. In each case we must act differently and adapt our system of rules and limits to the child's age level.
Children's way of expressing their feelings of rebellion is different at every age. When they are babies they end up adapting to our customs and demands, but when they are a little older things change.
The negativism of the 2 or 3 years is a key stage in which the child says "no" to any proposal that is made to him, even if he then accepts it. This moment indicates that he is out sketching out his own "I" and his own personality: he tries to communicate that he has his own desires and that they only correspond to him.
Later, at 4, 5 or even 6 years old, the child has already incorporated into his way of life a series of basic rules and habits. He has overcome a crisis of rebellion as a product of self-affirmation, and likes to command and boast to manifest his autonomy, while being angry at failures.
In the middle ages, the influences of social groups are significant, and the most important key to success and happiness in your life is to have a good image of yourself. He cares a lot about whether he is acting correctly and, when he is convinced of what he wants to do or say, he is able to challenge his parents' authority.
In adolescence there are stages of disorientation: really, there is an identity crisis. Most teenagers protest when they are considered children or even when the term teen is used to refer to them, even if in their internal case they accept that they still think and act as such. Somehow, they know they're small for some things and older for others.
Educating a rebellious child is intense work that can end up being exhausting for parents facing a systematically disobedient and capricious child, who does not abide by rules or accept limits. It is a child who tries to always be right or get away with it, regardless of nothing but his own satisfaction.
Patience, consistency, and consistency in educational guidelines can turn around a situation that is becoming unsustainable to all family members.
There are several causes that cause situations not too favorable for the psychological and emotional balance of the child.
Causes of child rebellion
The quest for autonomy: the child begins to question things. It's a positive thing because the end of children's education is that they become self-employed, but it can be the part of parents, because this quest means a retraining of their child's behaviors. In addition, the child begins to be able to do things that he previously could not and parents are unable to make a new assessment of what the child is now capable of.
Education: Among the possible causes of child rebellion are over-authoritarian, lax or overprotective educational styles that end up generating attitudes of rebellion, disobedience and contempt for any authority either by excess or by default of norms and limits.
Authoritarian parents: A child who is accustomed toobeying on the basis of punishment will stopissuing some behaviors, but will not understand the reason why he should not act like this. For example, if the 1-year-old only wants to eat when he grabs the spoon or grabs it with his hand, but the mother or father doesn't leave him and they get angry, he won't understand it and his answer will be screaming, not wanting to eat, etc. Since your "opinion" will not be taken into account. In the long term the result will be disobedience accompanied by resentment, insecurity and low self-esteem.
Be condescending: Sometimes parents prefer to be "friends" of their children and consent to them rather than educate them. This attitude reaffirms the patterns of rebellious behavior in children and even makes them grow up with an aggressive attitude. It is also possible that this indulgent attitude of parents will cause this disobedience of children to appear because of the lack of limits and the search for standards on the part of the little ones.
Disagreements between parents regarding education: disallowments between the two and the lack of clear boundaries induce the child to internal confusion, responding aggressively or reproached.
Genetic, biological and environmental factors: in addition to educational styles, in infant rebellion they can affect. Defiant negativist disorder is the most obvious case, as could a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). But not all rebellious, disobedient and challenging children suffer from these disorders.
For a constant need to explore the boundaries: in the vast majority of cases, rebellious children are because of the need to explore the boundaries (both theirs and ours).
To get attention: Children sometimes need to draw attention to their behavior.
Out of jealousy: jealousy can be one of the causes of rebellion. Sometimes the birth of a new sibling triggers feelings of jealousy and envy or separation from parents causes a feeling of insecurity due to the need for affection or protection. On both occasions, the child's responses can be inappropriate and even aggressive, as he or she needs to defend himself.
Other factors: other times, in the face of a change of school, home or city, the child behaves strangely, is irritable; parents do not associate this behavior with the event itself and we think that a move to a new home and with a larger room will be best for him, to some extent aside his feelings, without realizing the identification that the child has with the school, the house or the previous city.
How to act in the face of rebellious behavior in the child
When the child is very young, we must understand that his aggression is motivated simply by the inability to control his impulses: he still does not know how to channel his anger properly and we must not worry too much.
On many occasions we want our child to do one thing, while he prefers to pursue a different thing. We know we'll find an initial resistance on your part in the form of a protest. But we must keep in mind that protest is used by children to distract us from our task of setting limits. The best thing we can do is ignore the reproaches, excuses, complaints and outbursts, because, regardless of what type they are, they are actually nothing more than attention calls that they use.
On the contrary, we must make them see that this is not the best way to achieve their purposes, because we have made the decision that we consider right for them. In addition, we will be firm and willing to repeat the order even if we look like a scratched disc. In return, we will offer you positive and pleasant incentives rather than threats. In addition, we will take advantage of the time we are calm to sit down and talk about those things that he has the most trouble doing, establishing active conflict resolution plans in which he can participate by providing ideas to apply them later with our consent, but according to his own methods.
What to do when the child answers
We will stay out of it and not respond with anger to our children's anger.
We'll remind him that we care about him and that behavior isn't appropriate: "I love you very much, but I don't like the way you're answering me." We can also use humor: "Well, well, what words you're saying, are you the one talking?"
We'll explain what we expect from him: "You can say you're angry without having to answer like that."
We'll give him some time to think, "Reflect a little before we keep saying those things." If we get upset, we should also take some time to reflect until we have calmed down and regain control of the situation.
We will set out some basic rules to solve the problem of bad answers: "Now let's talk about what happened a while ago. What do you think of so it doesn't happen again?"
Tips for parents of rebellious children
When the child asks us for things in bad ways, we must not fulfill his desires no matter how much he shouts, until he says it correctly. Sometimes the child is lost and what he needs is a simple orientation; we can try to teach you, through the stories or stories invented by ourselves, the value of respect for others and for other opinions. This way we will get our child to gain in flexibility and tolerance as he grows.
If we answer him wrong when he doesn't meet our expectations, chances are our son will end up doing the same for pure imitation. We must avoid confusing him with conflicting messages: answering is wrong and mom and Dad don't have to either.
If the child keeps answering and this time happens in a public place, we will stay out of it and then, when we get home, we will talk privately more calmly, dealing with the problem calmly, without spectators and agreeing rules of conduct.
A good way to eradicate unpleasant answers, especially if they go on for a while, is to praise the opposing behavior and praise our child every time he behaves in a pleasant and correct way.
Tips for educating a rebellious child:
In the vast majority of cases, rebellious children only need to be clear about what to do and what the consequences of their transgression or disrespect for others (whether adult or authority figures) are.
The fundamental thing is to be able to reach a balance, that is, to let the child make his own decisions and to find his autonomy, but avoiding the generalization of bad behaviors.
Here are guidelines for acting on the behaviors of responding and rebellious children:
Act firmly but without authoritarianism.
Establish clear and well-defined standards, it is not necessary that there are many, we can start with 3-4 simple rules and always appropriate to the age level of the child. For example: you see the drawings after doing homework or picking up the toys, after playing you collect everything, the dirty laundry goes to the basket, you eat with the cutlery ... When they learn to follow them, we'll incorporate others.
Give orders one at a time when they're small.
Do not enter into provocation or yield to their refusals to obey, we will simply apply the consequence we have established for each case, if possible natural consequences rather than fruitless punishments such as 'you run out of ...'. For example, there are no clean clothes if you don't want to shower, clean what you've soiled when you've thrown something away wanting ...
We only warn only once, neither two nor three in older children, giving more opportunities means giving the opportunity to continue disobeying until they take us to the limit, which we want to avoid.
Do not contradict or contradict our partner with the limits or consequences we put in place.
Be a role model, that's why we should avoid shouting, criticizing, belittling ...
Boost active listening, share family time, understand what may be worrying you (fear, jealousy, problems with colleagues ...).
Avoid punishment and reinforce positive behaviors: Look for solutions away from punishment and use boosters when doing something right. For example, phrases, kisses, caresses, etc.
Set clear rules and don't let them fail
It gives alternatives: that the child can decide and reaffirm himself. For example, wear the clothes you want, choose the story you want to read to her, etc.
Prove you love him: tell him that that behavior he's had has bothered you but you don't stop loving him.
Listen: and not impose, so we give you the message that your opinion counts
Count to ten: don't go into direct fights with him. Breathe, calm down the 2 and then explain to the child why he can't do certain things.
Patience and understanding: Keep in mind that it is a normal stage in your development and be patient and understanding.
In case of extreme rebellion or if we feel overwhelmed, we should consult a child psychology professional, who will evaluate the situation and help us find the most appropriate ways to solve our case.
What to do in front of a potato?
If the child has a tantrum, it is not convenient to respond aggressively or anger even though it may cause the anger of the parents, but also not give in to the child's wishes.
Between the age of 2 and 4, children have not yet learned the words by which to ask for what they need or want, so when they crav something, they often resort to tantrum or inappropriate behavior.
Children's Tantrums
Sometimes children use tantrums to show their anger, others to try to get something, maybe to protect their belongings or just to get the adult's attention. Although paradoxical, this rebellion must be understood as a positive and expressive sign of a personality in formation. But if this type of behavior becomes frequent, we must carefully observe the circumstances that trigger it in order to anticipate before they occur (avoid excessive fatigue or over-stimulation, reach agreements, offer alternatives, etc.) or give you the right treatment.
When you do a tantrum, you don't have to respond with anger, but you don't have to give in to your desires during it, so that it doesn't become the way to achieve your goals. If we don't give in, he'll learn it's not the right way.
We can do something that distracts you, so that unnecessary confrontations are avoided and in any case, stay close to it as calm and firm as possible.
If what you have done is respond aggressively, you should make him know firmly that it is not the proper behavior, that the other person has hurt and that he will not be allowed to do it anymore. After a short period of reflection so that you can calm down, you must allow him to have restorative behavior (kissing, helping to heal the partner, etc.).
You should always praise him when he doesn't use tantrum or provocative behaviors to get what he wants.
Putting limits on children's behavior
Regardless of how you react to such behaviors, it is essential to put pre-limits. The child needs to understand the rules that govern his world. You need to know what's expected of him, how far he can go and what will happen if he overtakes them.
If you are scolded or given looks of disapproval for something you don't even know is wrong, all we're going to get is baffle you.
Setting limits does not mean continually telling you what you cannot do, but the right way to act, always agreeing both parents to avoid manipulation by the child. It is a dynamic process that needs to be adjusted and readjusted as children grow and mature.
It is important to act in accordance with the principles and values that are defended before the child, so we must be consistent between what is said and what is done (we cannot demand from him what we do not).
Dialogue, reasoning and the establishment of rules should always be encouraged as avenues for resolving conflicts.
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